Two Pressures

There is healthy and unhealthy pressure to reach a point.
One can make a change in themselves, and subsequently, at least, their local world, by not going through the harshest struggle, but the most rewarding one.
There is a difference between feeling a blistering anxiety each day, that one will never be good enough, and so on, versus that in which, like I am experiencing now.  Reading Kant’s first critique is the sort of challenge, where I am now in “my journey” – that is at the height of challenge i can take on independently. Just out of my comfort level, as an interview with David Bowie where it put the position I was in so well of “walking out into the water from the beach and being just to the point where my feet dont reach the sand”. Where I take on a few segments a day, bash my head against the book at my own ignorance, truly spend the time to learn the idea, and leave with a truly positive sense of some forward movement in whatever direction I am wanting to move in.
Often one misplaces challenge for suffering. We suffer when we take on the sorts of burdens that are not for us entirely. That we, either for lack of true passion or innecessity, do not leave us feeling as we have became something different from what we were yesterday, whatever that means.
Even though, with the Kant, 90% of the time I feel hopeless, spending time reading and rereading definitions, becoming frustrated that the thing I read then looked up then read again does not make sense, but I understand at some level what I am doing it for, and it is not for others – though is that ever true. In the 10% of the time that it comes together, and I truly feel as though I have gained an insight to be built on, even if it completly torn asunder in a year or two of deeper inquiry, I understand that this is not just toiling for the sake of it. That, unlike some “job for money” rather than passion, that this ‘work’ is more like that of a farmer than of someone that truly doesnt want to do something such as becoming a plastic surgeon yet goes through the schooling for the 400k at the end for me.
That is not to say one can not have a deep passion for the stability money provides. One can truly strive for security and reaching the highest levels of monetary success can be the ends towards fulfillment for that person.
The problem is when one puts oneself under massive amounts of stress for toilings sake. When one takes on burdens that are not their own. When one resist the way out because they think they should be in it. Of course there are external reasons, but those are the unhealthy pressures.

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