Possibility of Decision

What am I doing
The case in everything
Imagine knowing
Who can
In which way
Surrending to the world
Is that the move
Or do I need to keep myself rigid
In which way is any decision mine
I can only decide what to interact with
Not how it in turn interacts with me
Maybe I will be of a mindset to relinquish the world
Or perhaps I will falter upon the grail
The world as given is what it is
Yet I do not know how to become what I determine as correct.
Probably then, I am incorrect
If I do not see
Perhaps shift the vantage point

My Own Expectations

Nobody expects anything out of me
Yeah, except for my time and energy
Helping out
In the ways theyve grown accustomed
Am I worth keeping around
I gotta stay on higher ground
But the highest ground is a peak
Only big enough for one
But the burden makes one weak
Talk in my sleep
Dreams turn to nightmares
But thats no perspective to keep
Friends turn enemies
Enemies, friends
But when does that really happen
I’m lapsing into my old state of mind
Into my new state of mind
Friends become harder to find
But my rosters solid
What’s the reason to look
Would I take back the chances I took
If given the chance
Or keep with what I have
And work on the work of making it last

Swirling

My head aches
For days
At my lapses
At my missteps
At my misplaced confidence
Though I do see upon myself
The glimmer of a life projected
A good life
One of freedom
Of the abstract idea of happiness
I misstep
And the world falls with me

I shift the blame
Or I take too much
I endeavor to change
And stay painfully similar
I imagine the proundity I may bring
Yet in the moment I short-circuit

Its hard
Yet feels overstated
I feel unconfident
But I know I could do it
The worlds complexity
At time seem as unillusive as words on a page
At others completely incomprehensible

Am I to take the challenge
In most moments it feels the only thing to do
But also as an unachievable goal
One in a million
I like those odds

Be Full of Grace Towards Yourself

Allow yourself
The space
To falter
To be
Less that one hundred percent
At all times
Having high goals
Doesnt mean youll always reach them
Yet you may
With discipline
With time
With consistency
Set yourself
In the mindset
That you will accomplish
But being full of grace
For yourself
Is what there needs to be
For you
To become you

On one end, I feel as though I should always be pressuring myself to be as good as I possibly can be, the ideal I envision. Yet today, I have spotted a bit of the other end, in which I allow for the moments in which I don’t perform at the level I project myself performing at. I thought that that was an interesting thought which a light is rarely cast upon.
The idea of providing myself grace, to be the man I am now, as opposed to whom I project my future self to be. That is not to say “be complacent”, far from it. Yet, if one loads themselves with tasks daily, lofty ones, one worth striving to with all of ones might, there is a good chance they will falter. It is kind of like the pancake analogy that I’ve seen as a topic of conversation/debate among medical students. It goes something like “each day you are served 10 pancakes (set information). You need to eat your breakfast. If you do not finish all 10 of your pancakes, then tomorrow you will have to add the left over pancakes on top of the current days portion.” However the debate I have seen from medical students is that, perhaps, no-one can be expected to eat such an incredibly large amount everyday, that is just too ambitious for almost anyone to brute force. One, therefore, needs to create strategies, and other practical ways in which to imbibe the greatest amount of pancakes one can in a day. However, with such an abundence of things (information) to be done/grasped, it is inevitable that there will be things missed. There seems to be, from what I’ve seen, an expectation there that one may just be too overloaded with information, especially initially, however, that often times, one will be learning by doing and creating systemic knowledge in ones mind whilst progressing. I think this is a helpful mindset in the less pertinent areas of our lives, or in those spaces in which our shortcoming will not bring the world crashing down upon us.

Imposter Thoughts

I had just thought of this today, but, maybe if you feel as though you have “imposter syndrome” perhaps you are one.
Don’t misunderstand, that is not to be a slanderous thing. I, however, was just thinking that perhaps the feelings of inadequacy, and that one does not belong, are perhaps signs, instead of hurdles. Perhaps you are truly not meant for the path you have been putting yourself upon. Maybe ones apptitude lies in a different place.
The problem starts when one forces themselves into something, they make the problem of it not fitting themselves into a problem. However, what if it doesnt have to be a problem? What if the thing you’re trying to do isn’t for you, and that was. . .ok?
The world has been created to be upon such a track, that if someone doesn’t fit into the first allotted career goal, they are worried of the casade of future issues that that would cause themself. Many are taught that an undergraduate degree is A) their ticket to success and B) the decision that dictates the rest of their life/career path. When one does not feel completely fullfilled in a situation that had been inculcated into them from a young age as the end goal/thing that will solve lifes problem, the least suprising thing to happen would be a schism/feeling of incongruence.
That feeling, however, is one to be examed instead of stuffed down and ignored. There is always a chance it is irrational, that one is truly meant for their career choice, that they may just truly care; that they feel and live in the pressure of doing something one enjoys and wanting to do it to the best of ones abilities. However, there is a possibility that being cajoled into a life decision early has taken an adverse turn, or that it is generally time for a rexamination and shift in ‘lifes journey’.