It’s hard to admit we have a problem

Lots of them. With ourselves, with our inclinations, with the habits and coping mechanisms we have learned. Though things may feel to be working as we do them, all we need to do is search for the faults hidden or not so hidden to enlighten us to the ways in which we deal with the world around us. We imbibe, we deflect, we avoid, we tell ourselves our way is ok. There may be the occasional noticing that there are incongruences in the way in which we think we feel, and the way in which our actions in normal, regular (for us) moments, truly make us feel. What they truly say about the way we feel about ourselves and others.   
   As humans, we can only know ourselves, how we feel, the ways in which we take in our impressions and manifest them into the world through our actions. We can’t know, unless we ask, and ask in the correct way, the true impact in all of the specific things we do. These two ways in which we navigate the world, our self knowledge through our being, and through inquisition into outside persepctives, are the ways in which we may get some handle upon the ways in which we are percieved. However, we often neglect both of these sources of information for fear of the answer, or a myriad of other reasons.
    Many allow themselves to deny the difficult work of the self examination neccesary to become the person they want to be in this truly complex and challenging world. It is much easier to become someone that is ‘always right’ and ‘knows what theyre doing’. Yet, in that mindset, many miss the ways in which to resolve, or even identify, deep-seated issues.

Underground

Underground tube
Projecting
Leaving towards the light or darkness
Given with the world upon it
We find our spirit
Our youth and finality
Our indignity and our prosperity
The encounters
Jubilation
Loneliness
Only to escape into the world
For an inevitable return
Underground

Living free

There is much to wonder about the ways in which we may pan out. Many times we do not even begin to be aware of where to begin. There is trouble. A realization that, perhaps, our external impressions may be just that, that we are as small as we sometimes believe, and that the world is not made for us, but by us. These thoughts lead logically to the worrying thought, if one bothers to sift through thoughts of boundless directions of possibilities presented to us in our age – that at the end of the day, we are individual, and have to take on our lives ourselves.
   The idea may seem simple at first, perhaps even obvious, but if one going into the idea the existential will follow. We can only live our own life. The permutation of impressions given to us by the external world are our own. Try as we might to be anything else, take on a role, be the savior of a different age, we are simply ourselves. Therefore, as much as we hope and wish and want to be them, we will never be. The goal is infeasible, and to live your life as an actor, playing the roll of one the real deal, but truly just acting, is no way to be in the world, or to yourself.
    The trouble is the complexity of the mental/physical world in which we all inhabit. It’s not just daunting, its mind melting if you spend too long staring into the sun of myriad possibilities. You can not become everything. Yet, if one allows it to be, the possibility to explore all of those possibilities can be who you are, in the now, as yourself.
    To realize you may be taking a completely new journey of the world, forging the path oneself, can be as rewarding as it is frightening. To realize that, though you cannot live the life of someone else, no-one can live yours either, gives some flavor to ones interpretation of what this whole ‘life thing’ means. The friends you have, the love, the interpersonal relationships shared with the people who know you are unique. The time you share with others is a personal and fleeting experience. No-one can take that from you, and no-one can become you.
    To talk of possibilities, is a frightening thing, because it is pretty open. You can move to a different city tomorrow and start a new life, there is always the choice with small means. If one does not feel as though they can make drastic changes, I would be curious to ask: “what’s holding you back?” I would suspect that the reason is not the thing truly not tying you to any situation, but that it is your understanding of that situation and awareness or lack thereof of the vast options, not all, or even most, auspicious, but options nonetheless. Not to say that there arent truly restrictions on some in certain areas/situations, but it is to say that one posseses more freedom of choice, individuality, and uniqueness then is often considered

Happiness

There is an interesting conception of happiness that is about. There is often a consideration relating happiness to a feeling one should strive for. In our imagination that we must strive for happiness, the, perhaps untenability of that goal, perpetual happiness, leads us ironically further from that state, even fleetingly. I propose that a development away from the ideal of happiness towards one of contentedness be the path most auspicious toward consistent good-feeling.
   If I think of the moments I have felt “happy”, if I attempt to recall the moments in which I felt pure joy, I’m libel to find them few and far between. However, I consider myself a rather content person. Happiness is but one emotion I expect to feel throughout the day. And that is ok.
    Long term discipline is a goal I have for myself. I find a feeling of satisfaction where others often feel joy in completion of a goal. There is almost no situation I can immediately recollect that is a feeling of pure happiness. Yet I remember many moments that others may classify as happy that I consider ‘things coming together’. Graduations, good GPAs, good friends, live music, these are things that have felt enjoyable in the moment. Perhaps they were things I couldn’t even wish had gone better. Yet, if I had imagined these moments, and not the simpler ones also, watching funny YouTube videos, or running around with my dogs, as the ones in which I was ‘happy”, or if I had considered the lack of euphoric joy in any of those situations as unemblematic of a ‘happy’ situation, then my skewed standard for myself and my composite experiences would disable me from feeling the truest, and most satisfying emotion derived from all those disperate experiences, which is, for me – contentment.
   However, I do recognize that an inability to judge in terms of moments of happiness, and alternatively only see moments of contentment, mutes a bit of the dynamicism possible in given moments. I do though also believe the perspective shift towards contentment does allow for a benchmark consideration of all emotions percievable and gives a bit of grace to the moments we all feel of sadness, loneliness, anxiety,  and all the other unpleasant emotions.
    Recognizing we may not be doing great, yet things could be worse, and that though one may not have what one desires there are many things to be thankful for, allows one to shifts a bit more briskly through the trials life throws our way. That is not to say that there aren’t moments to not shift from. Some grief and hurt is to be sat in, and many times in pursuit of happiness one is tempted to push down and away the feelings that are the most raw to us. However, in looking towards contentment there is a searching, not for happiness at all times, a word related to positivity sometimes unwarrented in our worse moments, but for a step up from what has happened to us. A searching for support, a reaching out, a connection, a vulnerability and acceptance that though one is not ok today perhaps one may become a bit better tomorrow.
    There’s a lot of pressure to be happy. Lack of happiness seems, to a lot of us, to be a major source of additional unhappiness. Yet if we take stock of what we have, where we are, who we are, and what we’ve done however small to improve our conditions and those of the ones around us, perhaps there is an ability there to know that there is a way to be just, OK.