There is an interesting conception of happiness that is about. There is often a consideration relating happiness to a feeling one should strive for. In our imagination that we must strive for happiness, the, perhaps untenability of that goal, perpetual happiness, leads us ironically further from that state, even fleetingly. I propose that a development away from the ideal of happiness towards one of contentedness be the path most auspicious toward consistent good-feeling.
   If I think of the moments I have felt “happy”, if I attempt to recall the moments in which I felt pure joy, I’m libel to find them few and far between. However, I consider myself a rather content person. Happiness is but one emotion I expect to feel throughout the day. And that is ok.
    Long term discipline is a goal I have for myself. I find a feeling of satisfaction where others often feel joy in completion of a goal. There is almost no situation I can immediately recollect that is a feeling of pure happiness. Yet I remember many moments that others may classify as happy that I consider ‘things coming together’. Graduations, good GPAs, good friends, live music, these are things that have felt enjoyable in the moment. Perhaps they were things I couldn’t even wish had gone better. Yet, if I had imagined these moments, and not the simpler ones also, watching funny YouTube videos, or running around with my dogs, as the ones in which I was ‘happy”, or if I had considered the lack of euphoric joy in any of those situations as unemblematic of a ‘happy’ situation, then my skewed standard for myself and my composite experiences would disable me from feeling the truest, and most satisfying emotion derived from all those disperate experiences, which is, for me – contentment.
   However, I do recognize that an inability to judge in terms of moments of happiness, and alternatively only see moments of contentment, mutes a bit of the dynamicism possible in given moments. I do though also believe the perspective shift towards contentment does allow for a benchmark consideration of all emotions percievable and gives a bit of grace to the moments we all feel of sadness, loneliness, anxiety,  and all the other unpleasant emotions.
    Recognizing we may not be doing great, yet things could be worse, and that though one may not have what one desires there are many things to be thankful for, allows one to shifts a bit more briskly through the trials life throws our way. That is not to say that there aren’t moments to not shift from. Some grief and hurt is to be sat in, and many times in pursuit of happiness one is tempted to push down and away the feelings that are the most raw to us. However, in looking towards contentment there is a searching, not for happiness at all times, a word related to positivity sometimes unwarrented in our worse moments, but for a step up from what has happened to us. A searching for support, a reaching out, a connection, a vulnerability and acceptance that though one is not ok today perhaps one may become a bit better tomorrow.
    There’s a lot of pressure to be happy. Lack of happiness seems, to a lot of us, to be a major source of additional unhappiness. Yet if we take stock of what we have, where we are, who we are, and what we’ve done however small to improve our conditions and those of the ones around us, perhaps there is an ability there to know that there is a way to be just, OK.

See Your Historic Self

We forget often where we are. Who we are, where we’re from, and where we’ve been. Perhaps in those moments of reflection, a smile creeps across your face in membrance of a time in the past that meant a lot to you at the time, yet now can only seem to slip back into your mind after a bit of time thinking back. These moments make us, yet we live with them in us, passively. Perhaps an impression given externally can jog it quicker back to us, but generally we have a few days in either direction in which to immediately recall from or project to.
We may have dates allotted in the future towards certain events and causes, yet generally life runs loose, as we endeavor to capture it, only seeing it when it is right in front of us, then the object of our previous attention fades as quickly as it is possesed.
We worry rather we will have success years and decades from now, yet the past is who we are now and we reflect not nearly enough upon it in it’s entirety.

On Vocation

If one goes into vocation, sure the labor will inevitably follow, but what is it to entertain such endeavors to live and die. One has only so many years upon this earth, in the way in which we interact with the world, what is the ultimate goal of that? Do we endlessly toil for the minimum, always trying to reconcile the goals of the faceless who inhabit the spaces above us? Or do we find our place, through discipline which allows us to feel the fullness of feeling in the world, to engage at the height of our capacity, and grasp what life is truly to respresent for us?
If one does not allow oneself to make a space for themself in the world, then the world will make a place for you. You will gradually relinquish agency if the soil of life is not cultivated, till the work, if attempted at, is so arduous that many will not have the fortitude to fight through it.
Life has no timetable, but if not managed, parts will overgrow, and require extra dillegence to remedy.


Do people change? How much can they change, and what makes you yourself at the core around the possible changes made?These are all questions that have been on my mind lately for the past few days.
As I attempt to make changes in myself, for the better, I wonder if it possible to make changes, and how structural they can be before they change what the structure is.
Is one stuck vaguely at a baseline, in which they ascend above and descend below, with all movement of consequential effort to only be upkept by extracurricular maintenance? Or, perhaps, does habit beget wisdom, and wisdom is intertwined with the continued drive to act in the ways one has become compelled to act as a wise person; a sort of symbiotic relationship develops.
When these habits are taken up, and they encounter less innate resistance, as new things often do, does that then lead to a change. Simply, when we exposed to any new phenomena, however defined as ‘new’, that we then are not our old self simply by virtue of encountering new phenomena. However, when do those new encounters, new events, new habits and exposure, change us in such a way that we are not the same as we were before. Are we always creatures absorbing new phenomena, thus never truly change but evolve, or are we always, by the very act of receiving something different then we previously had, different then what we were? Or perhaps is it a mixture of both positions, a gradual exaltation from previously held convition, through habituation, to a newly held one. Do we perhaps, in slowing or speeding up the dedication towards habituation, become new people by certain directed effort, as the resistance of what we have made into ourselves fades with the newly emerging vision of self.
Or perhaps we are simply ourselves. Born to die in this world predicated upon the deep influences of our youths and our lives are spent managing, yet never truly relinquishing, the early imprint on our tabula rasa. Forever encased in the fortune, or misfortune, of caste.


The causes in the world are difficult to get a handle upon.
The uncertainty of it all, what happened, what is the one cause of any of it, is a problem I find of exceeding difficulty as I travel upon my own ambitious road of inquest.
The farther I reach in, the muddier the causation, the greater the pointing towards a monadic cause.
How deeply it goes, I am not sure. The uncertainty in me though is rising.
I feel it at most times, as the breadth of subjectivity towards causes becomes more and more illuminated.
Though it is not all encompassing existentialism that is the effect of begetting a clearer understanding of the complexity of life, but a sublime appreciation for the aspects of complexity discovered as much in themselves as one can.
Realizing, for example, that the uncertainty I am feeling is analogous to the uncertainty in the most basic properties of our existence, has a deep resonance. When I take the deepest insight into account of where I am at the present moment, do I then truly have an idea of where I am going, and vice versa.
How does the world relate to me and I to it? At what point do I measure the causes of events in myself and the world? What is the purpose of this inquiry, if any at all?
I view this world and life as beautiful and special, yet meaningless, yet important.